You may go mad.
Seriously. This is the time I should be trusting my body the most and I second guess this bitch on the daily. I want to be pregnant so much, we are so ready to be parents (as ready as you can be when you’re first-time parents) and I fight this constant battle with my brain, don’t focus on it too much. Don’t put pressure. It happens when it happens.
And then there’s the part of me that feels like, you know what, this is EXCITING. Why should I have to settle down? I can’t pretend that I’m not pumped! I can’t pretend I don’t want this so badly that I dream about it.
Tempering that desperate desire with reality is a DOWNER.
But the constant flood of negative tests if you try every month is equally a downer.
What to do when you can’t trust your period
So women close to me, one I’m related to, had their periods while pregnant. Some just the first month after conception, one throughout her pregnancy. She only managed to keep her baby because she went on bed rest and got a lot of medical help.
So sometimes when the symptoms start gnawing at my mind, symptoms that may be for totally other things mind you, that fear starts up in my belly. What happens if I am pregnant? And I’m not going to the doctor? What if I end up like those women on the show ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’? No one wants to be that woman. They don’t want to be those women!
Yet I can’t convince myself to take a test and waste thirty dollars unless I’ve had a super obvious symptom outside of cramping, or bouts of dizziness, or whatever else my brain convinces me could be a pregnancy symptom.
I want to be zen and just make a baby. And yet so many people I know struggle and it is so frightening. Even though I know there are other ways to make a family I have always known I wanted to have children so now that I am so close, and waiting on my body, it’s…exhausting.
I want this, I want it and I am so ready, but I have to recognize that things happen when they should. Whether you believe in god or fate or like me, just a sense of energy in the universe, things only happen when they are meant to happen.
This is mostly late-night vent because I am coming to that time of the month again where I want to believe I’m pregnant and my baby fever hits its fever pitch. If you’re a TTC couple, I’m sure you feel me!
Ink and Kitchenry 